Fitness is a lifestyle, but what if your life partner doesn’t share that lifestyle? The pros and cons of and tips for living with a “non-lifter.”
Help! My partner doesn’t train
We’ve made plenty of jokes in the office about dating strategies as a single person who trains. If you ask a woman out to dinner and she checks if it fits her macros first, then you’re in luck.
Or, maybe not?
Living with a partner who doesn’t share your passion for fitness is both a curse and a blessing. In case my (non-lifting) wife reads this article, I’ll first explain why I see it as a blessing.
A “normal” partner brings balance
If you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know the difference between dumbbells and barbells, I’d almost want to say, “Congratulations!” The likelihood of going overboard and losing all perspective is more than halved.
The chances of only going on vacation to destinations within walking distance of a gym and a good source of protein are drastically reduced.
You can worry a lot less about seeing macros instead of food at every meal. Conversations at home can be about something other than muscles and body fat, split routines, and 1RMs. Also, the chance of tension is much smaller when you’re not both cutting at the same time.
In short, a partner who doesn’t share your passion for fitness is like a brake preventing you from going overboard.
A non-lifter holds you back
And thereby, the most significant disadvantage is mentioned. Someone who keeps you grounded in the land of the living is someone who makes it harder for you to go deeper into the world of lifting.
You’d like to train 6 days a week, preferably twice a day so you can do cardio in the morning and strength training in the evening. She would like to see you sometimes.
You’d prefer to cook once a week and then eat all your meals out of Tupperware. She would like to go out to eat.
Your idea of trying something new is throwing different spices on your chicken breast and broccoli. She wants to get inspiration by watching 24kitchen first.
Growth is change, change is difficult
First of all, it’s good to realize that you’re the odd one out. If your partner suddenly decides to become a Jehovah’s Witness, you wouldn’t want daily sermons about Jesus either.
You’ve chosen a different lifestyle. You want to be above-average muscular and lean. You’re the one who fell into the fitness freak trap. Someone who first decided to just start training a bit, then set goals, and then realized that your whole life is now focused on those goals.
This is particularly relevant when you become addicted during your relationship. My wife had no problem adjusting to an extra 20 kilos of muscle mass. She could and still can appreciate the result, but not the necessary effort.
“This is important to me”
The hardest part of living with a partner who doesn’t share your passion, in any area, is that it’s very difficult for that partner to understand that this is a priority for you. It took a few years for me. For me, training and eating well had already become a matter of necessity, whereas my wife still clearly considered it a hobby.
Then tensions arise.
For example, when you’ve meticulously planned your week’s schedule and your partner disrupts it because of a spontaneous purchase on Marktplaats that absolutely has to be picked up tonight. Just to give an example.
At some point, I had to have the conversation. Explain how important this is to me, that it’s not achievable with half-hearted effort, that it’s more than just a hobby.
More importantly: in that conversation, we had to jointly determine what was acceptable for both of us and make agreements about it.
I must mention that compromising on this point was easier than for someone who, for example, wants to step on stage. One of the reasons I’ve never been on stage is that I knew the tensions it already caused at home when I was less ambitious. My challenge is bulking, so I never have to skip meals. I never cut (intentionally) and have never used steroids. So, I think I’m still quite easy to live with as far as fitness freaks go.
Whether you’re entering a new relationship or getting infected with fitness and bodybuilding during your relationship, explain to your partner what role this plays in your life. Then they can decide for themselves if there’s still enough room for them.
By the way, the fact that your partner can’t muster enthusiasm for your passion doesn’t mean anything in itself. Almost every football fan knows that.
I’ll hand over to my colleague Anne, the only woman in the office, who also wanted to say something about this.
Kenneth, you’re right. But what about me as a woman, you asked me. As a ‘single lifting woman, with above-average muscle mass’.
Well, gentlemen..
Putting aside all the jokes in the office (so.. you wanna see me deadlift?), the question that often comes after ‘aren’t you afraid you intimidate men’ (no) is ‘do you have a boyfriend?’
To which the answer is also no.
I currently don’t have a relationship. I have an out-of-control hobby.
A website, and a job that keeps me busy 24 hours a day.
And a cat.
However, I have had long relationships, what am I saying, I’ve lived together. And yes, with a lifting partner. Also once with a non-lifting partner, but that’s another story. The reason it didn’t work out is not relevant to this story, but I recognize many of the points you mention above.
I also have to admit that the line between passion and obsession was quite thin for me. OK, it is. Obsession in a good way, but when I decided to ‘train for a competition’, something changed in my way of thinking and especially in my actions.
I’ve always been very black and white; it’s all or nothing with me, and once I decide to go for something, I go for it. Nothing or no one can stand in my way then.
But when you’re in a relationship, that party you (again) skip or leave at 10 p.m. is no longer just your own choice. Unconsciously, I started deciding more and more what we would and wouldn’t do. What we could eat, and especially what we couldn’t. When we would train, because I had to, and things were canceled, or we showed up late to parties because of a tight schedule.
Because indeed, I had to train.
My then-boyfriend went along with this quite a bit, and fortunately trained fairly vigorously himself. However, it wasn’t his main goal, to stand on a podium, and I understand that.
Until today.
When, in addition to six or seven workouts a week and a full-time job, I started my website and business, there were fewer and fewer hours in a day. The line between passion and obsession is indeed thin, gentlemen, and sometimes things and feelings turn out differently than planned. By the way, to keep you in suspense, I’m still good friends with this guy and still see and talk to him often on a business level. I owe him a lot for my website, artwork, and photos.
Support or sabotage?
I may not have a relationship, but I know plenty of fit couples where both partners train and it goes really well. They support each other in their fitness journey and enjoy their ‘cheat meal’ together on Saturday night. However, I also know couples who are no longer together because the life of (and especially with) an athlete requires a bit more understanding and sacrifice than another profession, or should I say hobby.
However, isn’t it true that in a (good) relationship, there must always be mutual respect (and understanding) for it to succeed at all? So also for the choice to train (a lot) and eat according to a certain plan and with a certain goal? Whether your partner decides to stand on a stage or lose five kilos, I think and believe that you should support them in this. Sure, to a certain extent because you also have a life (unless you’re really whipped, that’s fine too), but without a certain basis of supporting each other or granting something, a relationship is doomed to fail anyway. Whether it’s about training or something completely different. ‘Supporting’ in my opinion means not bringing that bag of chips into the house when your partner is in the middle of a diet. Or at least not eating it in front of them.
Looking for a lifting partner
Or not? I sometimes doubt. It seems amazing to meet someone who loves this sport as much as I do, so you can train (and eat) together, and who doesn’t need an explanation of what macros are. Someone who is proud when I break my deadlift record, or who puts my food in containers when I need to leave quickly (a princess after all). However, it also seems wonderful to meet someone who absolutely has no understanding of (competitive) fitness, and all the social media around it in my case, and who will never understand the importance of eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Someone who just trains because he enjoys it, can expend his energy, and wants to be fit. That, yes. I don’t think someone who never trains and just doesn’t enjoy it (which is fine), would suit me very well.
In the end, I think a good relationship is about giving and taking; walking alongside each other and not one slightly ahead of the other. Supporting each other and believing in (shared) goals and dreams. That seems more important to me than whose bicep is bigger.
